Once we arrived in Albuquerque we did some letterboxing, then went to have a little dinner before going to our book binding class at Papers. It was a great day with friends and the weather was perfect and the class was really good.
But now about that thing that got me thinking. A couple of years ago there was a little incident that happened that changed some things. I know that sounds very vague but the details of the incident aren't really important - what is important is what I feel about it. And what I feel about it is very self conscious. One thing about myself that I don't like very much is my lack of self confidence. I can usually tolerate some criticism but it depends on how it is delivered and under what circumstances. What I can't deal with is negative comments that come up often. It makes me feel stupid and inadequate and then I usually withdraw from whatever I was doing that drew the negative comments. Let me give you an example - you know when you are at a birthday party and it is time to sing Happy Birthday. I have been laughed at and told so many times that my singing is awful and I can't carry a tune. So now I won't dare sing in public, maybe at home or in the privacy of my car. There have been many times in my life when I have been told that I was bad at something or where I was told I was wasting my time doing something so I stopped doing those things. Now don't get me wrong it isn't like I never heard anything positive it is just that for some reason all the negative things override any of the positive things. I also find that I withdraw from people when these things happen. Most of the time I just feel like there is so much to deal with in life that why should I hang around people who I feel make me think bad about myself (not sure if that makes sense) or participating in activities where I am constantly reminded how I don't measure up. I realize I am not perfect and I can't make everyone like me or I can't succeed at everything I do or that all of my actions will win praise but I would like to feel good about myself without withdrawing from things. I am working on that - I am trying to look at all things and find something positive about it and not let it bring me down. I am finding it hard to change my thinking. I have gotten a little better but there are times when things happen and I find myself feeling really bad. The first thing I do is start thinking negative and I have to catch myself and change my thinking. This is something that is important to me - I am tired of feeling that I can't do anything good or positive. I really want to feel like my life is good and that in some way I have contributed something (no matter how small) to this world. And I want to feel good about myself and not self conscious when I am around other people. I want to feel like no matter what I do or say and no matter what comments are generated from them that it is okay. I am working on it, so hopefully soon things will change. I am glad that a conversation with friends got me thinking because that is what I need to do to make myself think and feel differently.
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